With all the screeing pre-teens swooning over the release of Twilight, I just wanted to throw my two eyeteeth in.  I haven’t read the book, nor do I plan to see the movie, but I have some major problems with what I do know of the storyline.  In short, it’s the fact that the main male protagonist is a vampire.  VAM-PIRE.  Nosferatu.  Nightstalker.  Blood ghoul.  Child of the Night.  Chupacabra.

Maybe not that last one.

Anyway, from my many hours spent role-playing D&D and Cthulhu, and my current reading of The Dresden Files, I know that vampires aren’t cured by love of some weepy tart alone.  They need to be staked.  Possibly subsequently beheaded and burned.

So, here’s how I think the movie should go:

Weepy teenage girl: “You’re a vampire!”

Vampire dude with bad hair: “Yes, but I’m a wounded vampire.  I’m a strong male character with a flaw.  Your love can heal me.”

{days pass}

Girl: “AAAAH!  You bit me!!!”

Vampire: “Yah, you’ll be my thrall by dawn.”

Girl: “I thought you were a good vampire, though!  I can’t believe this!  I should’ve listened to my mother, and stayed away from the undead!”

Vampire: “Woman, I’ve done this for the past 400 years.  I don’t need weepy teenage hangers-on.  I need servants that can move my furniture and make me coffee.”

THE END

Tags: preteen screeching, thrallbait, Twilight