Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

More of Rath’s letters from the Grand Campaign.

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20
Nov

Twilight: My Version

   Posted by: Avaril Tags: , ,

With all the screeing pre-teens swooning over the release of Twilight, I just wanted to throw my two eyeteeth in.  I haven’t read the book, nor do I plan to see the movie, but I have some major problems with what I do know of the storyline.  In short, it’s the fact that the main male protagonist is a vampire.  VAM-PIRE.  Nosferatu.  Nightstalker.  Blood ghoul.  Child of the Night.  Chupacabra.

Maybe not that last one.

Anyway, from my many hours spent role-playing D&D and Cthulhu, and my current reading of The Dresden Files, I know that vampires aren’t cured by love of some weepy tart alone.  They need to be staked.  Possibly subsequently beheaded and burned.

So, here’s how I think the movie should go:

Weepy teenage girl: “You’re a vampire!”

Vampire dude with bad hair: “Yes, but I’m a wounded vampire.  I’m a strong male character with a flaw.  Your love can heal me.”

{days pass}

Girl: “AAAAH!  You bit me!!!”

Vampire: “Yah, you’ll be my thrall by dawn.”

Girl: “I thought you were a good vampire, though!  I can’t believe this!  I should’ve listened to my mother, and stayed away from the undead!”

Vampire: “Woman, I’ve done this for the past 400 years.  I don’t need weepy teenage hangers-on.  I need servants that can move my furniture and make me coffee.”

THE END

So the band of heroes isn’t acting very heroic?  They’ve told the old King to go rescue his own daughter?  They’re starting bar fights because they won’t accept the quest and they’re getting bored?

It’s time to bring in the Mentor.

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