Twilight: My Version

Avaril — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:01:51 +0000

With all the screeing pre-teens swooning over the release of Twilight, I just wanted to throw my two eyeteeth in. I haven’t read the book, nor do I plan to see the movie, but I have some major problems with what I do know of the storyline. In short, it’s the fact that the main male protagonist is a vampire. VAM-PIRE. Nosferatu. Nightstalker. Blood ghoul. Child of the Night. Chupacabra.

Maybe not that last one.

Anyway, from my many hours spent role-playing D&D and Cthulhu, and my current reading of The Dresden Files, I know that vampires aren’t cured by love of some weepy tart alone. They need to be staked. Possibly subsequently beheaded and burned.

So, here’s how I think the movie should go:

Weepy teenage girl: “You’re a vampire!”

Vampire dude with bad hair: “Yes, but I’m a wounded vampire. I’m a strong male character with a flaw. Your love can heal me.”

{days pass}

Girl: “AAAAH! You bit me!!!”

Vampire: “Yah, you’ll be my thrall by dawn.”

Girl: “I thought you were a good vampire, though! I can’t believe this! I should’ve listened to my mother, and stayed away from the undead!”

Vampire: “Woman, I’ve done this for the past 400 years. I don’t need weepy teenage hangers-on. I need servants that can move my furniture and make me coffee.”

THE END

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Twilight: My Version